WARNING: dumbest thing ever.
With the insanely popular dead body discovery app ‘Pokémon Go’ and the just-announced ‘Detective Pikachu’ live-action movie in development, we’ve got 90s fever and thought it was the perfect time to get nostalgic and take a look back at our favourite Nintendo critters. Here at Merpola, we’re proud members of Team Mystic. Water-types, through and through. So here’s our top 10 water-type Pokémon, our carefully & rationally considered picks for who could play each of them in the new movie and what Merpola item would complete their statement look.
Disclaimer: This list mainly consists of ‘mon from Gen 1, because I’m old and lapsed. There’s also some impractical celebrity suggestions below, for obvious reasons. You'll see. This is purely opinion based, supposed to be fun and not meant to offend. If you have a problem, you’re a Gary and you can hate off.
10 - Cloyster
Although technically part ice-type, this clam has some impressive stats. The aesthetic antithesis of our friendly pastel & glittery Clamshell Clan pin. Looks a bit like an angry Ghastly stuck in a scary vagina.
Celebrity Casting: Rebel Wilson's head.
Merpola item of choice: Clamshell Clan Enamel Pin (where would it pin it?)
9 - Goldeen
Sassy. Pouty. Gorgeous and deadly. And a goldfish. I’m sure my readers can relate. The Ellie Goldeen pun was too good to pass up on I’M SORRY
Celebrity Casting: Ellie Goulding with a prosthetic horn.
Merpola item of choice: It's For Business... Enslaver! (oh that sassy Goldeen)
8 - Suicune
Pokémon Crystal’s mascot. Chosen just for the tacky diamond tattoos on its legs and that amazing purple hair (where do we find that dye, gurl?). Legendary, literally.
Celebrity Casting: only Grimes could pull that hair off.
Merpola item of choice: Hooked Mermaid Logo Tee. Total hipster.
7 - Rotom-Wash
It’s a WASHING MACHINE.
Celebrity Casting: Seth Rogan - he looks like he could do with a good clean.
Merpola item of choice: Hey Sucker! Tentacle Tee.
6 - Oshawott
That belly-shell omg let me eat him up. Not 100% sure what it is, but I want one and I'll feed it cat food.
Celebrity Casting: A young Corey Feldman?
Merpola item of choice: Clamshell Clan Enamel Pin of course.
5 - Greninja
It’s a ninja frog that wears its tongue as a scarf. A modern classic.
Celebrity Casting: Winona Ryder. She looks spry and like she knows where to get a good scarf!
Merpola item of choice: The Kelp Me! Tee is the only choice for this bold statement fashion icon.
4 - Marill
…aka Pikablu. Debuted in the first movie (remember how much we lost our shit?) before we knew its real name (hence my insistence on "Pikablu"), it’s dead cute and looks like it would be nice to nap on.
Celebrity Casting: Ross' kid from Friends (Ben? I want to call him Ben?)
Merpola item of choice: Our Sea Tee. Can you imagine?? Cute overload.
3 - Gyarados
I like Gyarados because it was reportedly based off of the Chinese legend of the koi carp who, even after 100 years never gave up trying to swim to the top of a waterfall, and was eventually rewarded by being transformed into a golden dragon. Plus, remember how gratifying it was to finally evolve that useless Magicarp? Better than cigarettes.
Celebrity Casting: Jim Carrey has the face for it.
Merpola item of choice: The Dinglehopper Tote Bag (lol it has no arms)
2 - Vaporeon
A mermy cat/dog-fish with an Elizabethan collar around the neck. Can you possibly go wrong?
Celebrity Casting: David Bowie (we love and miss you).
Merpola item of choice: The Silvered Beanie, for those bad hair(ball) days.
1 - Wartortle
I know, not the obvious choice. This whole family fought for the top spot, from Squirtle (#SquirtleSquad) to Blastoise with its overcompensating canons and box-art fame, but the middle child is my favourite and I MAKE THE RULES. Squirtle is too chill and Blastoise is too extra. Wartortle sits somewhere in the middle. Plus it has big ears and weird teeth. Sadly relatable.
Celebrity Casting: Julia Roberts
Merpola item of choice: Our Sea Tee.